As the hour of twilight approaches close, a blanket of darkness obscures my heart like a swarm of poisonous wasps eclipsing the sun. Starting outward, closing in to the depths of my soul. Like vines of evil roots climbing over my body, spreading in from my toes extending above, their tentacles touching my being with their blistering toxin, oozing in darkness into my soul. As the panic rises up to my throat, I can’t breathe. Suffocation smothers me and I double over trying to inhale and exhale. My breath comes out in rasps and spurts. My eyes threaten to go dark, from the edges, inward, compelling me to pass out into oblivion. I grip my skin hard with my fingers, fists balled in, nails piercing into my flesh leaving slit marks, hoping the physical pain will violently shake my emotions from falling into the pits of despair. I fight to hold on, to not let the darkness take over me! I can’t! I have to fight this! I cannot descend any lower! There is no lower hell to descend to! It’s rock bottom. Below rock bottom. Fear grips my insides as dread closes in, an endless loop of nightmares in site ahead, tightening around my chest, crushing me into nothingness. Perhaps nothingness would feel better than this?
NO! I want to scream, no! I can’t let it overpower me! I don’t want PTSD! I don’t want depression! I don’t want panic attacks! I will fight it! Block it. Remove it. Kick it vigorously away.
I want to breathe! To live! To truly live! I have to fight to stay alive! Heavens help me get over this! Not let me sink into an abyss of spiritual and emotional darkness.
I want to be happy!